I’m already distracted while writing this post because my nails are an unfamiliar shade of electric blue. Normally, they are almost always red and that’s the chipped colour I usually see jumping around on my keyboard as I type. I have always hated change, and now I know the true extent because even catching a flicker of alien blue moving around in my peripheral vision is stressing me out enough to contemplate scratching it off. Now I have that irrational fixation off my chest, welcome home. I have been MIA since the end of November largely because I spent the whole of December moving around and doing real life things that didn’t leave much room to sit on my own and write about things that don’t matter (I’m joking, I sometimes worry that people reading my blog don’t pick up on my humour. While I am a full-time pessimist, I do believe my trivial opinions matter, even if it’s just a little bit).
I know I’m late on the New Year bullshit, I’ve been letting the dawning realisation that nothing will ever change unless I make a substantial effort to change it envelop me and drag me down into the murky depths of reality. Last year I was all about not making resolutions, this year, instead of making a list of virtues I wish I had “be kinder, stop gouging out ingrown hairs with tweezers until you bleed, don’t take every minor opportunity that presents itself to be dramatic and run with it” and instead decided to write a list of things I want to achieve and to just…do them. I know, its a foreign concept to me too. It’s going to be hard, I mean, even the first week of January was hard. I’ve had my procrastination in a chokehold and sometimes, it takes every ounce of what little self-restraint I have not to let go.
This year I am so determined to do my writing justice. More than anything, I want to finish the short screenplay that has been stewing in my brain for two years, not only to prove to myself that I can but also because making films is my dream. That being said, I try not to think too much about the making part of the film process while I’m writing because it’s terrifying and seems so impossible, even though that’s my final aim. Writing more articles is at the top of my list too, this is always scary because like most people, I’m over critical of my work and always worried that it isn’t good enough or as funny, intelligent or eloquent as someone else’s work. As well as articles, I also want to rewrite a load of short stories that have been laying around and gathering digital dust forever. Without sounding insufferably up my own ass, I’m really proud of them. I don’t one hundred percent know what I can do with them once they are done, but I’ll think of it, maybe I’ll even publish them on here. I won’t go into any more detail about what I want to achieve this year because you’ve probably heard variations of the same thing from dozens of different people but also because they’re personal. As much as I overshare, my aims are laced with my faults and some of those faults are too delicate to share. Above all, I want to do the things that I have been holding myself back from, intentionally or unintentionally, whether it was due to sheer laziness of the fact I haven’t felt strong enough until now.